I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
