ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
