my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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