When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
They took my balls.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
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