So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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