I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
