K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
