its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
