I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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