I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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