I can text with my tongue
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
