he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
