bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
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mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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