Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
