I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
