I heard we made out
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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