You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
