Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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