how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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