oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
