I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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