apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
