My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
