god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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