Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize