I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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