oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
