weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
