Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
