I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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