This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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