she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
