I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my being single is dangerous.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
