Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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