u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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