youre lurking in front of me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
