I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
