I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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