I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
