it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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