i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
