well I can't set my house on fire every night
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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