Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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