i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
