I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
