i wish starbucks made bloody marys
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
