I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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