If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
