I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
