I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
