Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
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I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
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All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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