just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
