i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
