I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
