He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
