My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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